Are we there yet? Is it time? I am ready. I am ready to play jingle bells so loud my teeth vibrate, to have flashing santys swing off my ear lobes and to dip my head into a vat of mince pies never to be seen again.
I have been warned by Scrooge Mac Bah Humbug Joe that I am not allowed put the Christmas tree up any earlier than December first. But Christmas is practically over by then I say fondly stroking my elf costume with tinsel headgear. It hasn't stopped me getting prepared though, silently planning my moves, twinkly outdoor lights this year. Colourful ones, that'll flash so fast they'll cause fits. An inflatable santa who laughs, admittedly a little creepy but still there's a certain charm to an unexpected murderous cackle. Snow globes and elves have been sourced and ranked in accordance to proximity to the tree. Only the fittest and snowiest will make the cut.
I cannot wait to wrap my arms around anyone or anything solid and sway from side to side screaming so loud my voice cracks you scumbag you maggot you cheap lousy faggot, happy Christmas me arse. All this with mistletoe strapped to my head, a selection box melting under my arm, and turkey sweats setting in.
Hurry up Christmas, stop creeping and start jumping
Ehhhh George, don't go giving away your heart AGAIN this Christmas without talking to me.
I am dead jealous of you if you haven't read David Sedaris The Santaland Diaries, because you get to discover him and enjoy a first read like no other. Here's an excerpt, no one does Christmas better or funnier.